Depression can feel like a locked door — one that doesn’t respond to reason, therapy, or time. For some people, no matter how many approaches they try, the weight remains. In a revealing episode of the Ayahuasca Podcast, guest Scott Gray shares how his depression — persistent, numbing, and soul-wearying — began to soften after his experience with ayahuasca. His story is not one of instant “magic cure,” but of subtle shifts, painful clarity, and a deep re-awakening of self.
A Life Under Gray Skies
Scott describes years of living under a pall of depression: the fatigue, the disconnection, the internal emptiness that made even small joys feel hollow. It didn’t matter whether he had a supportive community, a stable job, or a life that “should” have worked on paper — inside, something stayed broken. Medications and therapy offered partial relief, but seldom touched the root. The sense of being “stuck in the mind,” of reliving the same negative loops, remained oppressive.
In that state, the world starts to feel flat: colors fade, relationships seem distant, meaning dissolves. Scott confesses that he was more surviving than living — moving through days without genuine connection, vitality or hope.
Saying Yes to Ceremony: A Leap Into the Unknown
With nothing to lose and a quiet longing for something different, Scott signed up for an ayahuasca retreat. His intention wasn’t flamboyant: not “I want a miracle,” but “I want clarity.” He entered with awareness, humility — and fear.
What followed was neither gentle nor guaranteed. The ceremonies brought light and darkness in equal measure. Memories, emotions, suppressed traumas, and self-judgments surfaced. There were tears, purges — physical, emotional — and also moments of deep insight: realizations about past pain, patterns of avoidance, suppressed grief.
As Scott puts it: ayahuasca didn’t promise comfort. It promised honesty. And in the honesty, something began to shift.
From Numbness to Feeling: The First Cracks in the Wall
After the retreat, Scott didn’t wake up “cured.” The world was still the same, but his perception had changed. For the first time in years, he felt alive. Moments that once felt dull began to stir. Emotions — sadness, joy, longing, love — re-entered his consciousness.
He recalls waking one morning and noticing the sun felt warm in a way it hadn’t for a long time. A song stirred something inside. A conversation felt alive. Not because external circumstances had changed, but because he had changed.
That detachment — that grey shell of depression — started to crack. Scott found he could engage with life again, without the constant weight of despair. He rediscovered a sense of self, a sense of value, a sense of presence.
Integration: The Quiet Work After the Ceremony
Scott emphasises that the real work began after returning home. The retreat gave him a mirror — but what mattered was what he did afterward. He started to pay attention: to his diet, sleep, inner dialogue, daily habits, relationships. He began to journal, meditate, reconnect with close ones, nurture his body and psyche. The medicine opened a door; walking through it required intention.
Over weeks and months, he felt the change consolidate: less anxiety, more clarity; fewer depressive thoughts, more self-respect; a sense of possibility, even hope. The transformation was subtle, internal — not dramatic, not flashy — but deeply real.
Why This Path Felt Different
For Scott, what made the difference wasn’t escapism — it was confrontation. The ayahuasca experience didn’t numb the pain; it revealed it. But in that revelation came power: the power to reshape, to heal, to release.
Unlike medication that dulls the emotions and talk therapy that often rues the surface patterns, ayahuasca spoke to the root. It touched the body, the subconscious, the memories and feelings buried deep. It bypassed rational filters and reached what traditional approaches often cannot touch.
The healing wasn’t guaranteed — but the possibility opened up. And sometimes, that opening is enough.
A Balanced Reflection: Caveats and Context
Scott’s story carries a message of hope — but also responsibility. This is not a recommendation, a medical endorsement, or a guarantee. Ayahuasca is a powerful medicine, and it carries risks. Experience can be disorienting or emotionally overwhelming. Integration can be challenging.
Scott emphasises that the setting, the facilitator, care before and after ceremony, and psychological readiness all matter enormously. Without careful preparation and follow-up, a powerful experience can turn into confusion or relapse.
He also warns against seeing ayahuasca as a “magic bullet.” The brew alone doesn’t change the life — you must choose to change what comes after.
From Despair to Emergence: A Story of Hope
Scott’s journey from depression into renewed presence is not dramatic on the outside — there’s no sudden “after photo.” But within, everything shifted. He didn’t just feel better; he felt alive. He didn’t just survive — he began to live.
For those trapped in depression’s grey cloud, his story offers a different perspective: healing may not mean escaping pain, but facing it — fully, honestly — and walking through it into clarity. If approached with care, intention and support, ayahuasca may serve as a powerful catalyst.
Scott’s path shows that sometimes, the hardest step is simply saying “I want to see.” And when that step is taken — even if trembling — a life can begin again under a new light.
Based on the Ayahuasca Podcast episode “Depression gone after Ayahuasca Experience” with Sam Believ and Scott.
Sam Believ is the founder and CEO of LaWayra Ayahuasca Retreat, the best-rated Ayahuasca retreat in South America, with over 520 five-star Google reviews and an overall rating of 5 stars. After his life was transformed by Ayahuasca, he dedicated himself to spreading awareness about this ancestral medicine to help address the mental health crisis. Sam is committed to making Ayahuasca retreats affordable, accessible, and authentic, with a focus on care, integration, and the involvement of indigenous shamans. He is also the host of the Ayahuasca Podcast.
